reflections on running 10 miles this week after my longest hiatus since i was 21:

- i am no longer 21
but this is not all bad.

i am no longer 21 - the muscles take longer to grow and the fat takes longer to go away and the fat is in all sorts of different places now? apparently
but i am no longer 21 - i am a woman now, and i appreciate and love every curve of my body and i didn't get boobs til i was 28 so i really hope those don't go away which brings me to my next point

- i am not running because i want my body to change - i am running to get stronger and to be able to run far distances and feel like a badass and bond with my cousin, but actually i am super happy with the shape and size and proportions of my body
i am no longer 21 - at 21 i still thought that every other person i met was as obsessed with every curve, every handlebar, every lump in my belly (almost all of which were/are nonexistent)

i am no longer 21 - i am almost 31 and i am beginning to understand the power of a woman's body and i don't want a girl's body and i actually am reluctant to up my distances because i'm afraid the first weight to go will be boobs and hips and those, those i want to keep
but when i was 21 - that is not where the extra weight went, it went so many awkward an unwomanly beautiful ways, so i am not too harsh on my 21 year old self for feeling such things

but now - i am not running for weight loss, or to feel less shame about my body, or because i think i'm fat, or to compensate for the chocolate i ate earlier today (because 21 year old sarah didn't allow chocolate, anyway), i am running just to prove i can

and as it turns out, i spent my middle twenties running a LOT, so i have muscle memory now that i did not have,
at 21,
dragging myself to the gym and berating myself every step of the way

so even though i ran more this week than i have in almost two years, my body knows what to do, my feet know these roads, my legs know these hills, my brain knows these distances, knows how the training works, knows that i will be just fine, that i will be more than fine, that i will be better than ever in the end, every day, every day that i get stronger and braver and older

... even if i did decide with less than a month to go that i would run a 10k on the hilly streets of roanoke virginia! oops! it's been a long time since i've done something this hardcore...

...but unlike 10 years ago, it's not the first time. and i actually can't wait for the journey ahead.